Unhelpful

There’s nothing I hate more than walking down a forgotten stretch of country road, feeling a gust of wind as a car speeds by, and watching some soulless, cocksucking motherfucker toss a spent cigarette out the window. The butt’s tumbling generally comes to a stop amongst a pile of it’s lipstick-smeared friends.

I hate these people. I’d like to grab one of these fuckers by their collars, shake them silly and scream in their eyes: “HEY DICKHEAD, YOU ARE RUINING SOME CUTE FURRY CREATURE’S HOME. NOW GO PICK IT UP AND NEVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN, OR I WILL FUCK YOUR FACE BLACK AND BLUE.”

As for those who make a habit of tossing away their cigarettes on city streets or playgrounds: COOL, ALRIGHT. May the density of your soles increase with tobacco-matter. No one gives a shit about people anyway.

Got blood desire? Secret Vampires!

In the unlikely circumstance that a mysterious, radioactive meteor impacts on the Earth, reactivates the decaying brains of the recently deceased and invokes some sort of unholy lust for human flesh in the walking dead,

I don’t want to miss out on that shit.

This is a walnut. I drew this in MSPaint, and clocked myself at an amazing 53 seconds.

Walnuts are a good source of dietary fiber and iron.

Do you remember those blow up punching bags that had pictures of clowns on them? I think kids got a kick out of those.

I want one with Andrew Jackson painted on it.

Fuck you, Andrew Jackson.