Unhelpful

This story was originally posted locally on a Detroit club forum I use. Despite its essentially local content, it makes an interesting (?) enough story that I figure some of the rest of you will get something out of it.

Whatever you do, if you go to City or the Labyrinth or anywhere near there, read this, and tell your friends about the situation - failing to could be very expensive.

Last Friday night (April 1st, though I wish any of this were a goddamn joke - I’ll let you off the hook right now - it’s not), I arrived downtown a little after midnight and parked at the parking lot on the Ramada block closest to the Labyrinth, as I have many times, never with any incident.

As I head on into the club, some random guy starts telling me about the $3 parking fee. I look over at the lot shed, and it’s closed, so this guy isn’t representing anyone; he’s just swindling people. On the other hand, I’m going to be inside (or so I thought) for about four hours, and I don’t really want someone who knows where I’m parked having a grudge against me, so I just turn around and say “Listen, I know you’re not working for the lot, and there’s no fee, OK?”, press a five into his hand, and when he starts fumbling around for change, I tell him it’s not necessary, good luck, good night, et al. Oh, the irony.

At about 3:00am, my friend Kimberly finds me and tells me her car’s been towed from that same lot - that, in fact, they’ve ALL been towed. At this point, I’m still hoping this is someone’s idea of a joke, but given the look on her face, I’m pretty sure she’s serious. After going outside to look, we talk again, and it’s real - they’re missing.

We leave, and sure enough, there are about six cars in the lot, but they’re all different cars than mine and the ones I had parked next to. I’m leaving out some hyperventilating panic on my part here. We’ve arranged a ride out of Detroit, and on the way, someone’s calling the number that’s listed on the sign on the shack in the lot.

The sign… The one that says “illegally parked vehicles will be towed”. That one. Clearly, I’ve missed a rather fine point in law that makes Detroit a little different from, say, Baltimore. If you have a lot in Baltimore that’s unattended after hours, and isn’t blocked with either a chain or cones, it’s legal to park there. You don’t have to worry about, say, your car getting towed away.

But, welcome to Detroit. The call’s progressing in a rather unhelpful fashion, and what we end up getting out of it is that our cars have been impounded and we are all perfectly welcome to pick them up on Monday.

These bastards will tow your car 24/7, but if you want to retrieve your stolen vehicle, well, that’s a 9-5, Mon-Fri type thing. Of course it is, because you get bigger impound fees that way.

Panic. Rage. Tilting at windmills.

The next morning, Kimberly, my roommate, and I all head down to where this impound lot is, hoping against hope that maybe it’s possible to steal our vehicles back, or at least get into them for my keys, her medicine, and various loot. No chance, there are threatening signs about dogs which may or may not be true, and in any case, these are solid metal walls with razor wire, not easily sliceable chain link fences. Not that anyone was entertaining the idea, heavens no. Foiled.

I have my roommate drive me back down to the impound lot on Monday morning after I’ve had a thoroughly useless night at work. I get there about 9:30, I think. I get in and see Kimberly and a friend of hers are already there, and have been since about 8, when their sign says they’re open. Of course, it turns out that they don’t actually return cars until 9, not 8. Because we’d really hate to bother anyone’s office hours, now.

At any rate, Kimberly’s highly upset because in addition to all of this nonsense, they won’t return her car because it’s actually her mother’s car, and since her mother’s name is on the title, she’ll have to come, too. Having no such issue, at this point we figure I’ll get my car, let my roommate and Kimberly’s friend take off, wait for her parents to get here, and since her mom needs her car, I can drive Kimberly back to school. Right, so let’s get on that.

“I’d like my …. car back. Why was my car taken?”

“BECAUSE IT WAS PARKED ILLEGALLY ON PRIVATE PROPERTY.”

In this one simple exchange, with the body language and attitude of this prick behind the counter, I knew what sort of people I was dealing with: angry, unsympathetic bottom-feeders who are more interested in what they can legally do and get away with instead of what’s reasonable, fair or right. This is going to go well.

$236.50.

No fucking joke. $125 towing fee, which is a whole lot more expensive than when I’ve voluntarily used a towing service. $25 labor, because their precious TIME apparently isn’t included in the previous towing fee, $8.50 fuel surcharge - because again, how goddamn UNFAIR it would be that they steal my car on their OWN gas. $25 release fee to deal with these pricks in person, and the balance is impound fees and tax. Cash only.

Breathe. Keep breathing. Hands shaking with inner rage so badly that I’m barely able to put my proof of insurance and registration back in the trifold. Keep breathing. They needed my registration and insurance, otherwise I wouldn’t get my car back, mind you. In addition to accomplishing what is effectively legalized grand theft auto with the full knowledge of the Detroit Police, they’re also apparently enfranchised to make sure their “customers” are in compliance with state law regarding auto insurance. They surely didn’t need any documentation regarding my insurance status when they stole my fucking car, did they?

I get the car delivered to me. Quick trip to the ATM and back to make up for the $40 I was short and borrowed from Kimberly, and we’re back in the lot, waiting for her parents to arrive.

The prick from behind the counter comes out, points to some litter on the ground in the lot, and says “YOU NEED TO PICK THAT UP OR ELSE WE’RE GOING TO REPORT YOU FOR LITTERING.”

“What are you talking about?”

“THOSE BUSINESS CARDS YOU RIPPED UP AND THREW TO THE GROUND. WE’VE GOT SURVEILANCE CAMERAS, WE CAN REVIEW THEM FOR THE POLICE IF YOU LIKE.”

“Great, go do that, because you’ll see it wasn’t me.”

(storms off)

These people are solid, good, generous-spirited hard working folks.

Ten minutes later, some new prick comes out, and tells me he’s going to call the police for littering if I don’t clean those up.

“I already told your last guy I didn’t rip up your cards. Review your security tape. That was there when I pulled in.”

“WE DON’T HAVE A SECURITY CAMERA. BUT WE DO HAVE THREE PEOPLE INSIDE WHO ARE WITNESSES WHO SAW YOU DO IT.”

Jesus. The unmitigated gall.

“No, you have three liars in there who are so used to lying and cheating people that the immorality of your business model escapes them.”

“THERE’S A LIAR HERE AND I’M LOOKING AT HIM. THE POLICE WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES.”

So here’s a moral quandry for me. Inside the office, it’s very proudly displayed that they’re a member of the Better Business Bureau, which means only that they have a good relationship with the local business community and that they have very good lawyers. It’s also very obvious that they’re regular, generous donators to every police-related fund that the Detroit police come calling with, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if either of the two aforementioned pricks are either ex-police or part-time. They’ve got their ducks in a row…

I can either hold my ground, and probably get needlessly arrested, and totally lose my cool, which I promised myself I wasn’t going to do in any event. I can then get my car towed if they block it before Kimberly can take it elsewhere, or if she does, they give her a hard time when she gets back. Then I can have her and/or my roommate try bailing me out of jail, and then get let off if they decide there aren’t enough grounds. God help me if they decide that there are. Or, I can let these sons of bitches, this goddamn organized crime ring of thugs get the best of me, demean me financially, lacerate my ego, and prevent me from salvaging any fucking dignity out of this situation, and pick their precious business card scraps up.

Fuck it, this is already bad enough without complicating things further, so I do the wrong thing, cave in, pick their stupid cards up, and after I’m done, it’s literally everything I can do not to walk in there and ask if they’ve got any more yardwork they’d like done. But, again, I promised myself I wasn’t going to get myself in trouble by shooting off at the mouth.

Shame. Rage. The windmills won.

Kimberly’s parents show up, and the rest’s not really my story to tell, but a few things come to mind:

Kimberly’s mother looked as furious as I felt. Needless to say, I liked her immediately.

Prick #1 tried to play “good cop” with Kimberly’s father. “I don’t care what people say to me, but I’ve had people come in here and threaten my girls, and that isn’t cool.” His “girls”. Pedantic sexism aside, his “girls” know what sort of operation they’re working for, and while threats against them aren’t in order, the idea that they’re morally off the hook for this company’s messing with people’s lives just because they’re “just doing their job” is sheer fantasy. You are always accountable for the people you work for, in some way. That’s an important lesson I’ve learned a long time ago: there’s no exception for the devil’s accountant.

Prick #1 said something to the effect of “AVG Properties” (I may have heard that part wrong - hopefully one of the other aggrieved parties who’ve looked it up can chime in here later) “owns 40 lots downtown and we have a contract with them, so we have to tow cars out of their lots. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I’ve got 20 cars in my lot from that night that I’ve got to go through this with.” Hold the fucking short bus, stooges. He’s complaining that he made over $4,000 in one night. We should be so lucky. As far as him “not liking it any more than do”, the simply defies our ability to sniff out utter bullshit when we hear it. Nobody forces a towing company to take a contract with a lot owner, you can bet that they didn’t hesitate a moment to sign that one. I’m sure the lot owner gets a cut, and that’s why they were out on Friday - to maximize the impound fees.

Beyond belief.

This is what you should all take from this:

Don’t park in the lot by Labyrinth, regardless of where you’re going. If the booth’s open (and I’ve never seen it open yet), the lot owner doesn’t deserve your money. More to the point, the lot owner (which isn’t the club, if I understand it correctly) can still legally have you towed at his whim. If the booth’s closed, and you park there, it costs you almost $250 to get your car back: there is cheaper parking elsewhere.

I’ve defended this city against suburbanite disdain, and this, frankly, feels like a slap in the face. I have good friends I can’t even tell this story to because if they went off on one of their “Detroit sucks!” commentaries, I’d probably rant at high volume for an hour. This feels like small thanks indeed. Is this sort of selective, predatory bullshit the sort of image Detroit is trying to sell now, when it’s gearing up to actually welcome massive amounts of people who wouldn’t generally come down to the city when it hosts the Superbowl? If lot owners aren’t manning unfenced lots after hours, people are going to park there. If that’s illegal, then Detroit needs to examine its laws.

The lot wasn’t being used that night by anyone, there was no reason to tow a single goddamned car, and above all, even if a point needed to be made, wouldn’t a parking ticket have been more appropriate than legalized car theft? It would have cost a lot less money, a lot less time, and achieved the same result.

I haven’t done any research on the property owners, but the towing company and impound lot in question is Goch & Sons Towing, Inc., 795 Oakwood, Detroit MI 48217 / 1.888.707.9800 / 313.382.2727 / fax 313.382.5366 / www.gochtowing.com . I’m going to call around both up here and in Detroit sometime soon and find a few towing companies that don’t have impound lots and engage in “corporate accounts” towing, that way if I’m ever in trouble on the road and need help, I don’t end up putting money in the pockets of dirtballs like these.

This idiocy has consumed me this week, and it’s only today that I’ve been able to write this to warn the rest of you, because last night was so warm and pleasant that it was finally enough to get me out of the utterly foul mood and obsession over this. I needed a little distance. I’ll see you this because I’ll be damned if I’m going to let these douchebags dictate my lifestyle and ruin my fun.