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WASHINGTON - December 12, 2003

US to take advantage of offshore outsourcing

the United States announced that during the first quarter of 2004, it would begin an aggressive internal reorganization to reduce operating costs.Part of the reorganization is said to include the offshore outsourcing of certain jobs, following the practice of other US-based corporations.

“We’ve outsourced production of military hardware,and we’ve outsourced a lot of military services.The next logical step is of course to outsource our troops themselves,” said Major General Charles H. Petraeus.

White House spokesman Scott Clennan indicated that China was likely to be the recipient of that contract in light of the recent improvements in trade relations between the US and China.

The various Secretaries of the Cabinet will be downsized, and replaced with temporary secretaries from temporary employee giant Manpower Associates just as soon as Congress approves the sale of theH1-B visas necessary to bring low-cost secretaries from India.

Various other departments will also be outsourced

A major British corporation is reported to have been awarded the contract for managing the Department of the Interior as reward for supporting the White House’ recent leveraged takeover of Iraq. In its first press release after the announcement, BP stated that its first actions would be to temporarily move Mount Rushmore to a small lab in Wales for renovation, and that the French sculpture located in New York City would be torn down. “After France’s opposition to the Iraq takeover, we feel it’s perfectly legitimate to remove any French influences from the US,” stated BP media spokesperson Barbara Harley.

Another major department facing outsourcing is the recently formed Department of Homeland Security. Sources have indicated that the DHS functions have been awarded in a secret no-bid 99-year contract to the MLB team Texas Rangers, formerly owned by President George Bush. Clennan made a statement reaffirming Bush’s total lack of financial interest in the Texas Rangers and that the President had nothing to do with the assignment of the contract. When pressed for details as to why a sports team was awarded a contract for managing the countries’ airports, seaports, and various other facilities, Clennan said only “That’s a matter of national security, so I can’t say anything more about it.”

The Department of Health and Human Services will remain internal to the US although some of its core positions will be relocated overseas. “We’re not really doing any good giving money to poor people here, so we’ve decided to outsource their positions to needy persons in other countries,” according to outgoing Secretary Thomas T. Thomas.

The final phase of the government reorganization is due to occur in the fourth quarter of 2008, at which time the government itself will be outsourced. Early indications that the recipient is likely to be Poland in reward for sending 50 troops to Iraq. “We feel that outsourcing our democratic traditions to a country such as Poland will benefit their country greatly. In addition, they don’t have a two-term limit on leadership positions so we’ll benefit from having a more consistent leadership instead of this chaos we throw ourselves into every four years. Plus they make great sausage,” said Clennan.

In unrelated news, the Bush family trust disclosed in an IRS filing that it has purchased 68% of Warsawand has options on another 14%.