Unhelpful

Michigan’s governor John “Never Met A Drill He Didn’t Like” Engler submitted Michigan’s five finalist state quarter designs to the US Mint.

The winning designs are all based around the shape of the state, with or without a busy, chaotic addition of various state symbols: a classic car, the Mackinac Bridge, both, or both with four other included symbols. Personally, I’d prefer a picture of the Chrysler logo, a bailout check, an unemployment line, and the outline of Germany, but I suspect that’s a tad too divisive.

Less divisive is the issue of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. If you know any ex- or current Michiganders (I swear that’s the correct word, sadly), ask them about the Upper Peninsula at your own risk; it’s a dirty little secret we’re really not that comfortable discussing in mixed-state company. The Upper Peninsula is home to loads of wildlife, loads of mines which used to contain copper and iron, polar misery, and Canadians. Not only do they demand actual representation in our state legislature, but they actually have the unmitigated gall to threaten to secede from Michigan and form their own state - Superior. Unlike the vague independence threats issuing from Quebec (calm down, idiots, that’s part of Canada, not a state bordering Louisiana), “Superior”’s not only have insufficient popular support, but no modern precedent.

Their moose-buggering complaints have fallen on deaf ears in Lansing for good reason for a long time. I submit a sixth Michigan state quarter design to celebrate the special place that the Upper Peninsula has in the hearts of the average Michigander - 96.8% of which live in the Lower Peninsula.

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