Unhelpful

Ahh, the time to move back into my dorm has drawn near. Being a good little misanthrop, I’ve devoted far more time than is healthy into coming up with ways to torture, humiliate, annoy, and otherwise alienate the poor sap who’s getting stuck with me. Here’s my favorite idea so far:

Ingredients: one male model poster (Fabio or someone like that), tape or thumbtacks, roommate with a girlfriend who often visits

Proper use: Hang up the poster above his area of the room, whether it’s his bed or his desk. This immediately serves one purpose: Your roommate thinks you’re either a homosexual or just an odd fellow. Either one is good.

Next, whenever your friends are around, point out the poster and mention how he often stares at the poster with a wistful look on his face. This makes your friends act oddly toward him.

Finally, the kicker: Get friendly with his friends and/or girlfriend. Tell them that he often mumbles the model’s name in his sleep. Tell them (especially the girlfriend) that his eyes are oddly drawn to your body while you’re changing.

Optional: Write “love letters” from him to the male model and leave them strewn about while his friends and family are visiting.

This should ensure that you either have a sullen, withdrawn roommate who never talks to you (good) or no roommate at all (even better!).

Good luck!