Unhelpful

Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time again: Wacky phone hi-jinks!

A few months ago, I was screwing around with the computer, as usual, and the phone rang. Not my cellphone, but my dorm phone. I don’t know anyone who would actually call me at midnight, so I picked up the phone. Usually, I answer with a “gameplan.” I usually do some sort of “character” (Mr. Happy, Mr. Monotone, etc) with telemarketers, but this was too late to be a telemarketer, so I answered unprepared.

I picked up the phone, and a male voice said, “Hey, sexy, what’s up?”

I immediately knew I was getting a crank call, so I knew I had an opportunity for some real fun.

Me: “Ooh, I’m not doing anything, stud.”
Him: “What are you wearing?”
I hestitated a moment… then inspiration hit me.
Me: “I’m wearing an extra-large adult diaper and a rainbow wig!”
Him: *silence*
Me: “Ooh, all this excitement made me soil my diaper. I’ve been a bad, bad boy. Will you change my diaper and spank me?”
Him: *a brief pause, followed by “uhhh….”*
Me: Hello, lover?
Him: *click*

My roommate at the time had been staring at me quizzically for a few moments, like I was some kind of weirdo. But this was the dude who used to have phone sex with his girlfriend while I had family and friends up in the room.

I bet he’ll never look at rainbow wigs and adult diapers in quite the same way.