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A Lumcorp™ exclusive:

A sneak peek at “UO3 - Ultima Orygin Product Arts: Games Electronic Not A Sequel: Mirror”

Comments? Of that I have no doubt. [dead link]

[Included in its entirety in the extension for your convenience.]

Concept and Propagandist: Delusion
Lead FAQ Maintainer: Ely
Assistant FAQ Maintainer: Delusion
Lead Artist: Delusion
Link Staff: Lum, Delusion
Caterer: Wanfu Chinese Restaurant
Legal Services: Orygin Legal
Janitor: Nick

How will new players be received into the world of New Britannia?

Depending on which account package you purchase, you will either start fully equipped with veteran status characters and several homes, or start as a naked defenseless newbie character with no skills and work your way up. The account plans range in price from the modest, $25.95, to the extravagant, at $2,999.95.

Won’t buying an established character take the fun out of being new to the game? Won’t it give an advantage to the wealthier people?

Of course not! While one person may start with 5 fully developed characters and a castle, you and your newbie character will have some real fun building your own empire from scratch. While he’s sipping ales, having parties, and single-handedly slaying Succubi Mistresses, you’ll be learning what it’s really like to make something.

Identity is very important to me, since I am well-known by my internet nickname. What happens to the other unimaginative unscrupulous players who want to steal my Raistlin nickname?

Every character will have a unique name. Names in high demand will be auctioned off in ebay, and will include but not be limited to: Gandalf, Wolverine, Rand, Elwynn, Elawyn, Elowyn, Aelwin, Elwin, Eywlyn, Llywyn, and every character name used in the Dragonlance series.

I really like elves. Will I be able to play non-human races in UO3?

Yes. Moreover, there will be options to play dark elves, wood elves, high elves, low elves, aquatic elves, grey elves, sylvan elves, prissy elves and Keebler elves. There are no plans at this time to allow any other non-human races in game. That’s not a problem, though, because all other races are pointless as long as you have humans and lots of elves.

How will you explain the sudden re-emergence of elves in New Britannia?

Details, details… We have found that explaining such trivial things takes valued time away from our more important work. One of the bright sides of having such a devoted player community is the imminent flood of poorly written fan-fiction and character biographies that will flesh out our already Swiss-cheesed plot for us.

So, are you saying that I will be able to help write the story of UO3?

Yes, for an additional $3.95 a month, we will allow you to host your very own sub-page under the www.uo3.com domain, where you may write to your heart’s content. Your fiction automatically becomes part of the “official” fiction. We’re not really worried about continuity. Despite the fact that every other character will write themselves as the spawn of a god whose had his or her way with a human or elf, we expect the end result to be satisfying to all.

Wow, the level of player control in UO3 seems unprecedented! What other surprises, along the lines of character interaction, await future gamers in UO3?

Oh, we have a lot planned. In addition to the traditional level of dynamics in the world, such as housing and craftables, players can rent NPC structures for use as clubs or shops, pledge for or run as a town mayor, take hot-air balloon rides and even engage in an activity that quite literally “brings people together”: sex.

You can have sex in UO3?! Isn’t that a controversial addition? What about minors playing?

Studies have shown that people like sex. They have sex all the time, so why would this be anything but a wonderful aspect to the game? Orygin has teamed up with Richard Garriot nee Lord British to make UO3 a stellar, sweat-drenched sequel to both UO2 as well as the incarnation of “X”. Or, for that matter, XXX.

Well, how do people have sex in UO3?

There are two modes of sex in UO3. The first is conventional “cyber sex” which is enhanced via unique character emotes that can only be engaged when alone with a member of the opposite sex, unless your character was born gay, in which case he should never admit to engaging in sex or he may end up in a prison or killed by NPC guards. The second method of sex is a fully real virtual reality experience. Using proprietary tele-dildonic equipment, the users engaging in sex will “feel” that stroke and “hear” that ape-like grunting. The equipment set, including the genitalia stimulator, is set to be sold as an add-on soon after release and available for purchase on the UO3 website.

So… I can run for mayor? What sort of things can a mayor do?

If you are elected mayor, you are obligated to keep your city free of crime, clean of pollution and, most importantly, happy. Considering players can do no unlawful acts in UO3, that really makes your job a lot easier than it sounds.

As a mayor, what tools will I have to keep citizens happy?

You may give out awards of achievement, or declare holidays or events from a large database of traditional human and elven celebrations such as St. Valentine’s Day, Setubun, Bar Mitzvahs, Festivus and Lyr’lym’fy-P’rly’dw’or’ly.

That sounds like a lot of fun! What other features are planned to elevate social play in UO3?

Recognition is important to players. The Community Embassy will be in charge of adding lots of fun features and activities. The Lead Shard Community Emissary will grant visible in-game titles to famous players on his or her shard. These titles can be granted for achievements such: as posting a lot of torturous melodrama on emote-only message boards, being a famous UO3 cartoonist, consistently talking in annoying apostrophe-laden text, being the guildmaster of a huge influence-peddling guild, being a GM’s real-life friend, being an updater of a bitchy UO3 website, being a member of MENSA, getting the most frags, drawing the same three personalized sketches for dozens of other players, or having sex outside the game with the Lead Shard Community Emissary.

I’ve heard that the economy engine in UO3 was very unique. What can you tell me about it?

What you heard was true, the system we use is very unique. When you attempt to purchase goods from an NPC, you will be directed to the UO3 e-commerce site, after which your credit card will be charged directly. When you attempt to purchase goods from another PC, you will interface directly with the UO3 sub-section of www.ebay.com. Regardless of being rich or poor in game, you can still buy that item with your real-life earnings.

Wait, does that mean someone with more money in real life will be more successful in game?

Yes, but fear not. Players can set up their own vendors, whose sales will be put into the owner’s own account as credits towards future purchases. Someone using outside money only has a slight advantage.

How can I customize the look of my character?

In addition to various clothes, erotic armors and swimsuits, characters in UO3 will allow for the player to select both facial and bodily features. Some people cannot comprehend role-play, so if they wanted, they could be a short, fat balding guy with a facial tic so that they can be more comfortable with their avatar, looking just like themselves.

My girlfriend really hates all these breasts in games, but being a man I obviously love them. How can we both be happy with this system?

There will be an override toggle for avatars, in a player’s personal options. When active, a player’s client can be set to only display others’ avatars in a certain manner. The favorite setting here at the UO3 offices is such that every other character looks like Stephanie Seymour in a bathing suit.

I really hate being player-killed in these games. How will UO3 handle player killing?

Our personal studies have shown that no one likes to be killed by other players. There are no options to hurt other players in UO3 outside of a special player versus player dueling zone enclosed in a half-sphere cage of agapite bars.

I played some of those other games, and sometimes you had to actually walk to other towns. How will travel be handled in UO3?

Our personal studies have shown that no one likes travel-time. “Wands of Sending” will be standard equipment given to all new characters, and cannot be lost. They will allow instantaneous travel to any number of shrines and stone circles on the map. Additionally, we have held back on our ability to create an immense world, in favor of a smaller, more easily traveled world. No towns will be more than 40 seconds apart. You will never be lost in New Britannia.

I’ve been pretty happy with the excellent level of support provided in UO and UO2 by the volunteer staff. Is there any plan to expand on this in UO3?

Absolutely! In fact, we’ve decided to take the volunteer program and bring it to the next level. Our GM staff will be playing the game during beta along with all the testers. Those who excel in providing net-sex and ego gratification to the male support GM staff will be Senior Counselors once the game goes final. Those Senior Counselors will comprise the pool from which Shard Leads are drawn from. Each Shard Lead can choose the underlings she wants. New counselors can climb the ranks of the volunteer staff the same way everyone else does: on their knees. Everyone in the volunteer staff can carve their own fiefdom in UO3. This is actually the same system we used in UO, the only difference this time is that the system will be transparent.

In UO and UO2, it gets awfully difficult juggling the game client, ICQ, IRC, and e-mail at the same time. Will UO3 be any different in this regard?

We’re positive you’ll enjoy the client features we have in store. PigeonLink will send messages to any character currently in-game. TelepathyBarrage is a real-time chat system that will make text-based netsex a breeze. Ye Olde Postal Boxxe facilitates communication by allowing users to send each other chain letters, insipid poetry, and commercial solicitation. All of these services will only be available through our game client, will be specific to each shard, and will be temporarily offline whenever the server goes down. In order to ensure that these services do not distract the player, UO3 will use a fullscreen client with ALT-TAB task switching disabled. Other client features will include a full-function word processor with Systran language translation, a feature-rich web browser, an image gallery viewer, a loan amortization calculator, an interactive encyclopedia that contains the full text of the 1969 Encyclopædia Britannia as well as articles about 19 species of sponges!

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Orygin may terminate this License or your life at any time. Upon termination, you must destroy or return to Orygin all Orygin Fan Materials and shoot yourself in the head. This License is governed by vigilante law (without regard to conflicts of law), and is the entire agreement between Orygin and you regarding the Orygin Fan Materials. Lawyers suck, as do the people who turn to them in a heartbeat. I wish I had a ham sandwich right about now. I need a hug. Hey there. Are you coming over this Tuesday? See if Karen wants to come over, we can all head out to Uno’s and grab a pizza. I think Ed’s having a party this weekend, too. Oh, did I tell you about what happened to Andy? He’s recovering from a car accident. Apparently he nailed a tree that jumped out in front of him on I-70 just south of the Pennsylvania border last winter. He broke a few bones. They had to do some plastic surgery on his face, since he had a skull fracture. Nasty stuff but he’s going to be OK after some physical therapy. I finally bought “Happiness” the other day, great movie. You probably don’t want to watch it with Crystal around though, it’s a little too crude for her. Seems the reason it never got to Blockbuster because they wouldn’t carry it. Bastards. Anyway, it’s hilarious, I’d loan it to you, but I ended up buying it on DVD, not VHS. So yeah, anyway, we got tickets for that concert. Not really the sort of music that gets me going, but I figured it’d be better than staying home. They sold out 45 minutes after going on sale! When we were standing in line, someone else was ordering them over the phone, just in case. We got the number from her and ordered six tickets ourselves, right there in line. After that, we left, and about five minutes after we pulled out of the parking lot, the radio station announced that all the tickets were sold out as of right then. I swear, we went out to Loudon because we figured the crowds for that ticket outlet would be smaller than, say, FedEx Field. Out of maybe 150 people, only the first 10 or so got tickets before selling out. Christ I would have been pissed. How’s Angie been? She was pretty unhappy the last time she called. Oh? That’s great, Marc seemed like a really nice guy when he came down that one day last fall. Do they have to screw around with green cards and such? Yeah, I hear you. All of those crazy violent Swedish terrorist organizations that might be trying to plot mayhem. Government dollars at work there. Idiots. But anyway, that’s great that they’re getting on so well. I was brushing the cats out on the porch yesterday, and this little girl came up. She was a tiny, cute little thing. She was kinda shy so I brought one of the cats out to her and let her pet her. She comes up to the porch and starts petting the other one, sees the comb, and says “can I comb her?”. So she’s combing the other one and she’s telling me about her cat. I ask her how big it is and she holds her hands about 8 inches apart. She tells me how she feeds it and pets it and how it sleeps with her and everything. Eventually the little girl’s mother comes up to take her home and asks me if the little girl told me about her kitty. I say “oh yeah” and the mother says “that’s as close as I want to a real one, I’d be the one taking care of it”. “You mean it’s not a real cat?” I asked. “Oh no, it’s just a little plush kitty”. I laughed, apparently the little girl didn’t think that was a sufficiently important detail to bring up, though it did explain why my cats were so interesting when I was under the impression that she had one, too. Yeah. OK then, well, I’ll let you go, I need to get started. Good talking to you - see you Tuesday. Later.