Unhelpful

William S. Burroughs, 1914-1997

Even if you don’t agree with his politics and agenda, you can’t impugn the man’s ability to hit home when he was in a ranting mood. He weilded sarcasm like a chainsaw.

Don’t take my word for it. Get a taste for yourself:

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I’m in the grocery store tonight to get some important things. Coke… I’m out of Coke.

It suddenly occurs to me that I forgot to stop by the local department-store-style pet shop; my three cats were out of food.

Let me pose a question - maybe it’s rhetorical, so feel free to ponder at length:

Why are 3.5 pound bags of dried cat and dog food even sold?

Who are these for, people who only have a cat or dog for a few days before moving on to their next pet? Jesus christ, anything less than a 30 pound bag of Purina Pussy Food and I feel like I’ve wasted my money and effort. Hell, I’d buy kitty cereal by the 50 gallon tub if they sold it that way.

Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 01:51:25 -0800
From: _____
To: gimps@eef.r33t.org
Subject: doodie.jp

congratulations.

ep-sample has forever sealed my fate at [a certain California university]. it has also proved itself as an invaluable tool for weeding out the losers in your crew.

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r33t haiku:

Love-starved sheep, poor thing
It’s not sex if I don’t come
I’m not wearing pants

r33t haiku: (English to Portuguese via babelfish)

Carneiros starved do amor, coisa deficiente
Não é sexo se eu não vier
Eu não estou desgastando calças

r33t haiku: (And back to English with the same engine)

Sheep starved of the love, deficient thing
It is not sex if I not to come
I am not consuming pants

My review of the 70’s (Led Zeppelin) meets 80’s (pop metal) meets 90’s (industrial dance) cover/remix/etc album “A Tribute to Led Zeppelin - The Song Remains Remixed” is now available on the reviews page.

Don’t touch yourself down there until you’ve read it.

Thanks

My wife is in Canada for a week.

Her story is that she’s going to a class on company business.

I think she’s lying.

I think she’s defecting.

It’s our national outfit.

The ethnic outfit of the American consists of tennis shoes. It’s what most of them (us, dammit) wear. They’re big, clunky, and utterly tasteless - especially the brand name varieties. I haven’t worn them in almost 10 years and I certainly don’t miss them, preferring low Doc’s or a military boot.

But, as I’ve dealt with this issue, I’ve come to the point where I just accept it. It’s too pervasive to fight.

But there’s yet another war which may yet be won. Specifically, this:

Fanny packs. They’re sloppy and trashy looking. For whatever reason, fat girls seem unable to grasp the concept that it makes them look dumpy (or, as the case may be, dumpier). It’s like being retarded and wearing a homemade Special Olympics t-shirt with “Special” misspelled as “Speshal”. I mean, why fucking advertise it, you know?

If I were an elf, I think I’d want some of those fruity shoes with the curly toes. That and a shotgun, very long arms, and suicidal predilictions.

Some people have a misunderstanding of Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection: It doesn’t mean the strongest survive, it doesn’t mean the “smartest” survive. All it means is that those individuals who are most able to successfully produce offspring are the most “fit”. Sometimes this might be because they’re strongest, it might be because they’ve adapted to their environment better.

Or it might just be because they fuck like wild bunnies while everyone else is watching television.

So - in one of the delicious ironies of modern culture - some of the people whose religious beliefs are most likely to shun family planning and more likely to promote large families are classic examples of the survival of the “fittest” being such a complex subject. And they’re also the least likely to believe in it.

Fortunately, high-strung Protestant fundamentalists generally come from selfish, materially-oriented viewpoints, so thankfully they’re not popping out kids any faster than the rest of us, and they don’t have some guy in a miter living in Rome telling them that condom use is tantamount to murder.

It’s one thing to believe what you say.

It’s quite another to be so obsessed that you become blinded, shut off from reality.

One more kiss, then we’re history.

All roads lead to Rome….

…and some very unusual roads lead to r33t.

The Quality Assurance team here at r33t occasionally (read “many times a day”) check our web referrer log to see from what oddball route people are getting to r33t. A recurring favorite is the section from search engines. Take a look at some of the ways people have stumbled upon our humble site:

Via Altavista: soap suds
Via Hotbot: smother, rape
Via Altavista: free trademark search
Via Snap: Tele Tubbies
Via Excite: ass fuck photos
Via Askjeeves: what does r33t mean?
Via Yahoo: poontang pie
Via Dogpile: don’t fuck with jesus

r33t.org - here to serve all your bubble rape teletubbie jesus trademark fuck needs.

It terrifies me to think that I’m sharing the road with people who grew up before the era of videogame sensory overload.

It terrifies me to think that I’m sharing the road with people who learned to drive in an environment where they’re used to having three lives.

I wish fast food places would concentrate on fast food instead of all the other crap whose sole purpose is to make sure I want to start smacking people with baseball bats.

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Originally credited to fictitious r33t.org author ‘Gylcau’

I live in the Chicago suburb of Joliet, and I play Ultima Online. My family includes a few highly religous people who are convinced that role-playing games are the work of Satan himself.

I received a newspaper clipping in the mail last Wednesday. There was no return address or any indication who sent it. Draw your own conclusions.

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r33t.org’s favorite psychopath spammer has checked in with yet another installment of his religious millenialist ravings…

Subject: >>> ‘ <<<

See this ‘ that is what a multi-warhead looks like just before it hits the ground. In a few months when all of your societies begin to totally collapse, you are going to see a whole bunch of these ‘ all over the place.

The rest is the same as the original spam.

This leaves me wondering what mal-adjusted apocalyptic idiots like this are going to be doing after things return back to normal (my guess is business as usual in 4-8 weeks, with some possible extreme results in countries that haven’t put a lot of thought into y2k fixes). Maybe we can get this wacko to write for r33t - considering that he’s already got a fan club, I’m sure it would increase our hate mail in a most loving fashion.

When I was growing up, the year 2000 was that which by all others were measured. “By the year 2000, the average American lifespan will be 110 years old. By the year 2000, the DOW will have hit 3000!” And so on. Here as we swiftly approach January 2000, we must contemplate the end of the future. What comes after that, I have no idea - perhaps we can use a crafty, irritatingly trite term like “post-future”.

In a such as this, when we have an entire century to compact into meaningless soundbytes and are on the verge of new ways of thinking (for instance “do I write 00 or 2000 on my check?”), it becomes important to look to things we can count on.

Let us contemplate several constants, a few things that we - as citizens of the world - can be assured will remain true. These are truths that are constant, and we needn’t worry about their ability to withstand social, economic, and proctological change.

With no further adieu… Things we can count on:
Quality French automaking. Dependable, stable Italian government. Cuban naval superiority. Value of the Mexican Peso. Microsoft Quality Assurance. Wall Street altruism. American consumer electronics manufacturing. Catholic family planning. Protestant rationalism. Republican and Democratic realization that the “American System” is democracy rather than capitalist libertarianism. Chinese passivity. Canadian colonialism. Congressional morality. Quality Alabaman education. Indian international cinema success. English dentistry. Russian rock music. Singaporan justice. IBM OS/2 market dominance. Turkish foreign policy. Brazilian IRC prescence. Christian charity. Afghan peace. Lebanese tourism industry. Nepalese independence.

Thank you.