Unhelpful

Remember that really strange spam I told you about a few weeks ago? If not, check it out.

Well guess what? I’ve been graced with this one once again, but this time there’s more. Reverend Lavelle is a hoot…

Subject: When Everyone Starts To EAT Everyone

Are you comfortable? Got enough food in the house? Electricity working? Got fuel for the car?
Well come January 1, 2000 all that is going to change.
You know that little Y2K thing where many of the computers in the world are just going to shut down on Jan 1.
Well that little problem is going to collapse all the economies in the world. No more food, electricity, fuel, communications etc. all those things are going to shut down like that “snap” (maybe a week or so) and the survival of the fittest will become the law until the antichrist takes over the world.

YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR THAT

IT’S BEST TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS

BUT THE RAPTURE WILL NOT OCCUR UNTIL THE UNIVERSE IS PROPERLY DISPLAYED

STAND UP AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH !

The rest is a repeat of the original message. Do you think he’s at all bothered by the fact that he’s a conspiratorial crackpot with no idea about how to get a point across without evoking a stream-of-consciousness style rant?

Oh well, I don’t suppose it bothers me, so why should he be any different?

Fan mail…

Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 00:22:33 PDT
From: Lawrence _____ (_____@hotmail.com)
To: gimps@EEF.r33t.org
Subject: Important Request.

Dear r33t.org staff member,

I have taken a liking to r33t.org. And might like to purchase it. I am willing to pay a figure that you name something within the 4 digit area.

I am very serious, I am the webmaster of n33t.net, and I feal that your site would make an excellent addition to my collection.

You will still run it, but I would like to own it. I want to be able to freely change the pages, and I would like to talk soon to whoever might be incharge of this.

Please do not post this on your site, as some loony bin attempting to be a lamer. Or whatever bullshit might come from this. I have the money, and I am attempting to make a business deal.

Thank you,
_____ (Justin Com)

Serious business inquiries aren’t sent via hotmail accounts. Serious business inquiries about purchasing existing content aren’t sent by people who have their domains hosted by free webspace providers.

However, it is somewhat enticing… After all, it would free Seros from maintaining all those pesky user accounts on r33t.org since we’d be moving from a real live server to the ass-end of virtualave’s webspace. What an improvement that would be!

I suppose if we did make such a move, we’d have to change the 1917 theme to something that looked more … “capitalist”.

But in the end, remember this: $19.95 is four digits. When all was said and done, we went out for pizza instead and fantasized what we’d do if we sold r33t and had enough money from the deal to get five toppings instead of three.

…were working spasmodically, and a strangled sound echoed from its throat…

Pity those who didn’t understand the difference between “Player’s Lunch” and “Player Lunch”.

I was driving home tonight, at around the same time I always do. I know the particular highways in question very well.

I then see the most ridiculous truck I’ve seen in weeks. This beast is jacked up about two extra feet, and is sporting 24″ swamp tires. Best yet, the truck is purple. This is one of those offroad monsters that never actually sees so much as a dirt driveway, let alone any “offroading” action.

So there it is, and there I am. I’m not driving the Mustang, I’m driving an unassuming Pontiac Grand Am - not imposing in the least to a road vet.

You don’t drive a ridiculous pumped up truck like that unless you are a showoff, so I settle back down to the speed limit, ride along side him, and hatch a plan.

I fall back a few car lengths, then I push it to the floor and zoom past him, then coast… I make sure I’m looking at him when I pass him. He takes the bait! He hits his pedal and his engine roars, and I act as if I’m trying to beat him but can’t. We hit 80mph, 90mph, and eventually about 105mph…

Flashback
Remember when I said I knew these roads, and that I drive them at that time of night very often? This guy obviously didn’t know them…

So we head around a right-banking curve, I fall behind a little, and give it ONE FINAL PUSH as we head toward the hill…

…then I slam my brakes and fall back to a nice, smooth 60mph, as the Barneymobile plows over it at about 100mph or so…

…right past the police car that’s always there every night when I take that road home. They sure do hit those flashers quickly. They made a pretty pattern in the dark behind the truck as I happily cruised toward my exit.

You’re already aware of what a sick bunch of little monkeys we are. While I am a unrepentant atheist, I have to give credit when it’s due and simply point out that www.vatican.va is one slickly-presented site. The Pope and I don’t share a lot in common, but we both respect his web team.

Case in point… Meta tags. Meta tags are site descriptors that are frequently used by search engines and abused by webmasters looking for cheap hits. r33t.org and vatican.va share a lot in common in this regard. But don’t take my word for it, check out the source:

r33t.org’s meta tag
META NAME=”KEYWORDS” CONTENT=”r33t, l33t, r00l, j00, porn, the, a, habib, jew, erotica, xxx, sex, fuck, intercourse, cheese, afro, supercalifragilistic, uneek, gimp, poop, odd, joo, bee, magic beef, skin flute, beanie, baby, heeb, swedish chef, eef, oof, flatulence, Monica Lewinsky, tellie tubbies, bondage, death metal, goot, ITRA, NAACP, slurpie, 7-11, d00nc00n, jesus, mp3″

vatican.va’s meta tag
META Name=”keywords” Content=”Redemptor, Christ, Christianity, Christendom, Holy Land, Jerusalem, catholic, catholicism, Art, Art History, Renaissance, Michelangelo, Raphael, Holy See, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, Cappella Sistina, Raphael’s Stanze, Stanze di Raffaello, Raphael’s Loggia, Loggia di Raffaello, Vatican Museums, Vatican Museum, Vatican Library, Musei Vaticani, Vatican City, Citta del Vaticano, Splendors, Via Crucis, Way of the Cross, Holy Sepulchre, Bethlehem, Capharnaum, Nazareth, Pater Noster, Crusader, Crucesignatorum, Itinera, Corpus Inscriptionum, Giotto, Bondone, Franciscan, Assisi, OFM, Custody, Berry, Duc de Berry, Riches Heures, Camino, Maracaibo, Iglesia, Tiananmen, Bernini, Limbourg, Sandoli”

We eat at the table of the masters. Ad perpetuam rei memoriam. Or something along those lines.

If I created an economy car, I’d want it to be sporty.

If I created an economy car, I’d want it be stinking cute.

If I created an economy car, the only colors I’d even bother offering it in would be varieties of green: neon green, forest green, metallic fleck green, and olive drab.

“The Gecko is for the life you’re living. V6, 200 hp, $19,000 nicely equipped. Re-live the fun of your childhood ‘Green Machine’. Collect all four.”

I get weird spam all the time. The other day, I got one that’s surely one of the weirdest. It’s not selling anything, there’s not really a point, and it reads as stream-of-consciousness.

Pretty much like r33t.org.

Here’s a sample:

The bending of light shows that energy also has gravity. So matter and energy are 3D moving with gravity. The universe is made of matter, energy, time and space. That just stated is the matter and energy part. Time and space. Take everything in the universe and stop it. Does time progress? No.

Clearly, you’ll want to read the whole thing.

I was lucky enough to be in the test market for Hershey’s new product, the Garlic ‘n’ Mustard Chocolate Bar.

Run - do not walk - to your nearest grocery store and acquire this delicious treat sensation for instant gratification. Your taste buds will thank you. I will thank you.

Help make the world a better place.

Today, during my commute, I left the main road to obtain some fast food feed. On the way back to the highway, there’s a “Christian book store”.

So there I am, going about 25mph on a back road when all of a sudden this huge white Lincoln Towncar barrels down a road that crosses the one I’m on. It’s coming at me, no intention of stopping, apparently. Collision at about 40mph or so to the driver’s side of my car might not be something I’d get a chance to tell anyone about. I hit the gas just in time - it missed me by about a foot or two, I think.

This was traumatic, but as I was on time and not early, I didn’t have time to confront the woman who prissily exited her boat of a car. The thing that gets me is that this is extremely similar to an incident I had in this same place on a different day. This leads me to the inevitable question:

Was there some sort of THEOLOGICAL EMERGENCY? Why the hell are people driving to a “Christian book store” as if they didn’t care if they got there dead or alive?

I didn’t kill her, I sent her to a “better place”.

The r33t art page has been updated with “r33t flavors“, which is a compilation of the various strange graphics I’ve created for other updates.

“r33t flavors” includes such classics as r33t’n low, gøthic-ized pictures of some familiar (or not) faces, and of course - more slugs and monkeys than you could shake a stick at - even if you had a really large stick.

Bad fads die slow.

Notice to middle-America: Stickers of Calvin pissing on logos started out only marginally humorous and got old right about the time I saw the second one - and this was twelve or so years ago.

The biggest culprit is NASCAR. NASCAR pits racers and their teams and sponsors against one another. So to a NASCAR fan, the difference between Ford and Chevy is a religious issue. In that sense, it’s much like the difference between Baptist and Mormon - extremely important and worth writing about in tediously hair-splitting detail if you’re a member of one of the two “sides”, but inconsequential if you’re a sarcastic atheist bastard like myself.

In the last decade, Calvin has been busily pissing on anything with a logo, usually while mounted upon the back windows of sports cars and trucks.

Bravo, that’s so cool. Now grow up a little and realize that nobody really gives a rat’s ass Read more »