Unhelpful

You want to go 100 mph, and you need to go at least 80. Is that car you’re about to pass chock-full of pork, or not?

1. Whoa, a Ghia! Thankfully, police departments are somewhat limited in what they can use as unmarked cars. It has to be American-made, and in almost every case, it’s a full-sized car, and usually of a fairly conservative design. If police ever cruised around in, say, a Honda Prelude or a Volkswagen Passat, I’d be screwed. Of course, if they did, then I’d promptly write the appropriate state or county government and demand an explanation as to why they’re buying import vehicles instead of domestic. Given that the police community is, in general, politically conservative and blue-collar, that would be bad press. A sure case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. Some states are fairly sneaky. Assuming a Mustang in Maryland isn’t a cop is a sure bet. Making that same assumption in North Carolina on a fast rural interstate can land you a night in jail, especially when you try to race him.

2. Nice job on the tape, Fred. A missing headlight or a broken tail light means one thing: you may pass at will, at a speed of your choosing. Aside from incidental issues like paint scratches, police cars are impeccably maintained in regards to functional issues such as lights, tires, etc.

3. Roof-top satellite dish. Keep an eye out for strange antenna. The small one with the curlicue in the middle is the cell phone, the regular rod is the radio, and that big clunker with the thick round base is the CB. Anything more and you should stop and smell the bacon.

4. Honk if you Love God. I have yet to see an unmarked patroller with bumper stickers, with the rare exception of one for D.A.R.E. or some other police-sponsored program. They also don’t have baseball hats in the back window, those asinine “crown” air fresheners (sure to be the flashback kitsch item of 2010), or Jesus fish.

5. Ooh, colors! Very hard or impossible to see at night, sometimes the low-profile behind-the-grill and back window blue/red flashers are visible in high sun. These just scream “back off, man”.

6. Weave me a rug while you’re at it. Cops, for all their good and bad, generally know how to drive. I have yet to see one weave around the road in a manner that makes me assume they’re holding McDonalds coffee in one hand and reaching in the back seat to smack their kid with the other.

7. God, I hate Pennsylvania plates. Some states require two plates, some require only a rear plate. In Maryland, they have both. In Michigan, they only require a rear (something to look for in movies that are set in Michigan is front plates on cars - I laugh when I see that - do a little research). This, along with simply having an out-of-state plate, is a great way to tell from a distance if it’s a car that you can safely leave in the dust. As far as Pennsylvania goes, they only require a rear plate. One of their license mottoes is “You have a friend in Pennsylvania”. Since the front bracket is empty, fundies put in a fake vanity plate that reads “You have a friend in Jesus”. This begs the question: have anyones’ religious beliefs actually been altered by a pithy slogan?

8. Hey, it’s Don King! Police in unmarked patrol vehicles don’t weigh 350 pounds. They don’t look like they just drove their parents’ Crown Victoria to a whatever’s-left-of-The-Grateful-Dead concert. They’re not women with big hair. They’re not 80. They’re not wearing one of those ugly puffy jackets. It’s that clean-cut (male) or crisp, hair pulled back (female) look that you need to watch out for.

Next up: 10 of the Most Used Search Words Repeated 100 Times Each
or
How r33t.org Scored Another 1,000 Regular Readers

Delusion, zipping along at 130 mph in a 65 zone