Unhelpful

Here’s a few tips for “Sharing the Road with Delusion”.

1 - Get off my bumper, and don’t follow me in your big, ugly, jacked up SUV “luxury vehicle” at night - I can see the inside of my Mustang quite well enough without your goddamn headlights blazing down on me like a police helicoptor at a drug bust. I drive a sports car and I feel I’m one of the last people alive who thinks a baboon’s netherportions are more attractive than a Ford F150, a Mercedes M-Class, or a Mitsubishi Montero.

2 - If I pass you on the left, I am, invariably, challenging your manhood. You have two choices - submit or accept the challenge. Either one is acceptable.

3 - If I pass you on the right, this can mean only one thing: you are a moron. If I pass you on the right, this is a clear indication that you are in the wrong lane.

4 - If you go 5 miles under the speed limit for no good reason and you’re blocking me in, I have no compunctions about passing you on the shoulder, so just be ready for it.

5 - Don’t bother telling me about my music or its volume - I don’t expect you to like my choice. That’s why I didn’t ask you for a CD. I figure I’ll stop using the road as my listening room as soon as the rest of you stop using it as your ashtray. And yes, if you’re in front of me and we both have our windows open, I *will* smell you if you’re smoking so don’t be surprised when I suddenly bolt past you like a bat out of hell.

6 - Don’t race me unless you mean it. 75% of highway racing is about how you drive, 25% is about what you drive. I have both the “how” and the “what” covered quite well. Driving a Dodge Neon “sport” and “revving” next to me at a spotlight is simply going to embarrass you.

7 - If I’m driving late at night and I’m only going 5 miles above the speed limit in the right hand lane on a major Baltimore-Washington highway, I strongly suggest you do the same. I have radar and I’m familiar with the prime cop hideouts.

8 - Pay attention and stay in your own damn lane (the right one). Don’t be reaching back in your Chevy Malibu to slap your ill-behaved kids while you’re driving 70 mph. That puts you at risk, and that makes me need to pass you much quicker and at a wider berth. Save us both the trouble. If you can’t take a cell phone call and drive straight, don’t try - pull over or tell them you’ll call them back… …or better yet, learn how to handle your vehicle.

9 - During heavy traffic jams, I’m not an unreasonable person. I try to let someone in front of me once at every inlet unless they’re trying to “beat traffic” by getting off the road, onto the entrance ramp, and back onto the road. You’ll be amazed at what a friendly wave can do to get you in a new lane with less hassle. It’s a trick I use pretty often. (hint: use all five fingers, not one)

10 - If you park badly or aren’t good at judging how far to open your door before something hits it, park somewhere with plenty of open space. If your options are limited, you might find that treating a parking lot the same way you would treat a urinal bathroom to be instructive. Men, you should know this already, but if you don’t, head on over with your female friends to a short informational presentation on the subject.

Special note - rules 2-6 do not apply if I’m driving with my wife - then I’m just the picture of civility.