Unhelpful

Whatever it is you do in life, there’s someone younger than you who’s been doing it longer, and is better at it than you.

That damn Intel commercial came on. You know the one, it features a gimpy robot and music with the lyrics “I feel pretty and pretty and bright”…

I never understood how this commercial was supposed to prompt one to buy an Intel Pentium III. Then I watched closer. I actually paid attention and absorbed the commercial in.

At the end, I felt as if I had … lost something. I felt … less intelligent - hell, I nearly plunged from “less intelligent” to “downright stupid”.

Then it came to me in a flash. I understood the point of the commercial.

With the help of a crack screenshot team, the maker of Killed on Sight and a regular contributor to r33t brings you what can best be described as a combination of the two.

Citizens of Britannia - a candid look at some of the smack-layingist brothers UO money can buy.

R33t is the first place that CoB is being unveiled, as I know viewers of r33t have a sicker sense of humor than most.

The update “Fat People Suck” brings up a broader issue in our wonderful society today.

Everyone’s a Hero

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I just figured I’d share my initial reaction to the movie.

This graph provides conclusive evidence that 95% of everything is crap, and not merely 90% as scientists had previously theorized.

Software should be required to have subtitles.

For example:

Microsoft Terminal Server
or
“Why it’s sometimes necessary to remind people why we moved away from mainframes 10 years ago”
A 1979 solution to your 1999 problems!

You’ll notice the date is May 21, rather than May 19. SHOCKING, NO? They still had tickets for the 19th, but I figure this way the people who are going with me (my wife and four of our friends) can actually go out drinking afterwards and not have to call it quits early.

The Senator in north-central Baltimore is a top-notch single-screen theater, and boasts Maryland’s only Dolby Digital Surround EX. This theater hosts a lot of event regional premieres, especially those from local filmmakers such as John Waters. They upgraded an already technologically excellent theater just for this movie.

In other words, r33tness.

I’ll probably be on the web very little from the 19th to the 21st so I don’t accidentally stumble upon some jackass blathering spoiler material. I hate that shit. (Unless, of course, I’m the blathering jackass in question, then it’s really really funny.)

EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS A PEDOPHILE.

It’s true. Every single person on the internet is an anarchist bomb-makin’ gun-totin’ malicious computer hacker pedophile cultist. They’re all dangerous serial killers jacked up on crystal meth and violent first-person computer games. They’re a danger to you and your community, and use secret illegal encryption to hide their deeds from the government. They use the internet to gain access to your medical records, your credit cards, your childrens’ schools, and your tax returns.

Except the ones on America Online - they’re just your garden-variety pedophiles.

I’ll do penance for posting such a long diatribe on the main page. Or better yet, just pretend I did.

Warez, as a concept, is great. The execution really bites sometimes, though.

Several things really piss me off:

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No, that wasn’t a typo. I haven’t bought tickets. The sheer spectacle of the whole event sickens me to the point where I just want to wait until I don’t have to reserve the second-from-the-last seat on the right side of the back row of some shabby Baltimore suburb theatre I’ve never been to in order to get stuck between an obsessed groupie and a party of 10 boy scouts. I’ll wait until I can actually buy tickets at a theater of my choice a few hours in advance.

Of course, this strategy runs a serious risk. If I finally get into a theater a week after opening, it’s very well possible that some bleary eyed Jolt-addled junkie might lean over and tell me:

“OK this is my 38th time seeing SW1, I’m going to focus on paying attention to Queen Amidala’s left ear the whole time, while trying to decipher hidden messages in Jar Jar’s lisp.”

Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Me and my father watched Empire Strikes Back about five consecutive showings at the local “drive in theater” when I was eight. Jesus, that was nineteen years ago. I feel old, like fucking Confucius or something.

You can’t have the car. You can’t have the plate. But you can have the Y2K Survivalist Bumper Sticker. It’ll look great on the Jeep when you’re stocking up on ammo and freeze-dried peaches for your Millenium Survival Bunker. Another fine product from LampreySoft.

File under shameless self-promotion.